Open Prompt Revision
My peers commented that the language was too informal and my paragraph on diction was lacking, so I sought to improve that.
The Bribery Aisle: How Wal-Mart Used Payoffs to Get Its Way in Mexico
Close Reading
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/18/business/walmart-bribes-teotihuacan.html?hp&_r=0
David Barstow covers a corporate maneuver south of the border in his article The Bribery Aisle. The New York Times writer used syntax, details, and diction to paint a picture of corporate greed and shady transactions south of the border.
The format of this article is much like a report - from the secret service. The introduction, "SAN JUAN TEOTIHUACÁN, Mexico — Wal-Mart longed to build in Elda Pineda’s alfalfa field. It was an ideal location..." took on the overly-intense tone of a secret service report, while some of his headlines would have been more appropriate as the opening credits to an action movie. Corporate transactions aren't typically headline news, but Barstow used his knowledge of spy films, and the knowledge that the average American is more likely to watch 007 than read his article, to bring this news story to the people. He even divides the article into 'episodes', as it were, with flashy titles such as "City of the Gods, An Altered Map, A Helpful Mayor, Getting By the Guardians (my personal favorite), A Gathering Protest, (and last but not least) Open for Business". This syntactic technique if effective, although rather inappropriate, as it is usually reserved for a DVD scene selection listing.Specific details dehumanize Wal-Mart, and bring a rich sense of setting to the already well scripted narrative. "With its usual precision, Wal-Mart calculated it would attract 250 customers an hour if only it could put a store in Mrs. Pineda’s field." This personifies Wal-Mart as a cold, calculating figure, caring only about 250 faceless customers per hour, and no compassion for Señora Pineda. More crucial details, " Protesters decried the very idea of a Wal-Mart ... They contended the town’s traditional public markets would be decimated... Months of hunger strikes and sit-ins consumed Mexico’s news media" depict how opposed the local people are to Wal-Mart, making this a civil rights and culture issue as well as a business concern.
The specific words used to describe this 'operation' further paint a picture of a sneaky, greedy, merciless corporation 'exploiting' the local Mexican people. "The plan was simple..." is a line traditionally saved for James Bond movies, but Barstow uses it to make Wal-mart's pay off sound all the more sinister and interesting.The article describes 'out-muscling protesters', implying that Wal-Mart had, not right on its side, but sheer bulldozing force. Also, 'vanquishing' small town markets compares the company to an evil wizard. This diction villainizes Wal-Mart, and alludes to the fantastical evils that saturate our pop culture.
Rhetoric techniques like diction, details, and syntax can effectively engage a reader in an epic battle of zoning rights and technicalities, if done well. This article proved that, as well as used excellent work choice and detail to villainize Wal-Mart.
This was a good revision, but I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be revising our Open Prompts rather than our Close Readings.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I would suggest is that you include in your introduction the effect that the writer's use of syntax, details, and diction actually had--or what there impact was. Maybe you preferred having it build over the course of the essay, which worked quite well, but perhaps you might want to just add something to the introduction so that it isn't just listing what the prompt asked for. You also had a few spots that were a little unclear. For example in your second body paragraph you said "a rich sense of setting", but I really don't know what this is supposed to mean and the example didn't really clear that up for me (but maybe that's just me not understanding it). Also in the same paragraph you said, "More crucial details," and then provided a quote. This was also a little confusing. You might consider adding the words "such as" because although you do clear it up after the quote, since it is such a long example it doesn't really fix the lack of clarity there. Overall this was a good essay and it was pretty concise, just work on your clarity.
This is well done
ReplyDeleteEmily, your work is very good. But as Kelsey said I think its an open prompt that we have to change up, but that is okay in this case. If you feel that you have improved the DIDLS on this one then it is all for the better. Personally I liked how you approached this prompt. I like direct people and you were very direct in telling of your subject to the reader. Your examples are well explained and to the point. Provided the time limit that Holmes asks us to use this does a good job. Maybe a few transitions in the second paragraph but other than that I like this very much.
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